To be Alone

"Fine, I accept yours." I smiled in return, and leaned down, falling onto my belly, to offer him my hand to shake. "Shake on my hand, and I promise you, I'll try to stay calm in angry situations." I stuck my tongue out at him, and was content. He forgave me, and so I forgave him. My cheeks were flushing red as the cold nipped at them, and my toes tingled in my shoes, but for some reason, there wasn't that urgency to find camp. Sure, I was hungry, and sure I was cold, but I mean, was that really going to solve all our problems? Right now was about Jeremy and I. I think.

As he brushed his hand against my cheek, I bit my lip and looked up at him, though he was looking down at the ground. I blushed, but you could hardly tell because of the cold. I smiled slightly, then nodded. "I'm into dancing, art, and I'm a rider. Horses, I mean." I looked down at the forest floor again, playing with a piece of wood between my fingers. "I had a pretty bad accident though, a year or so ago, and I'm having a bit of a hard time getting back up and ready..." I stumbled with my words. The reality was, I couldn't get back. Every time I approached a horse, I got scared, nervous, and stepped back, away from it. "I live in Maine," I changed the subject quickly, flashing him a quick grin. "It's nice, I suppose... but, boring from time to time. So sometimes, it's a little hard to find things to do." I shrugged, casually addressing the subject. "Photography?" I asked, curiously.

I traded with him, swapping smiles and intently listening. Photography. Neat, I'd always wished I could get involved... And he brought up the accident. "Er, sorry that's touchy--" I looked down, anything to avoid the subject. I sucked in my cheeks, breathing heavily, then nodded. "Okay, since you asked nicely." I nodded my head, as if to calm myself. I tucked my hands into my pockets. "Well you see, I had this stud, and he was a little bit temperamental. And I've grown up around horses, so I thought I could handle him," I wasn't sure how to explain, where to begin. "So I put my confidence, hard work, and training into him. And I loved him and all, but one day, he just got a little too strong, and pulled out of the arena, my foot was stuck in the stirrups, and well.. things went kinda down hill from there." I attempted to explain. "I just have a hard time, since, I can't just get up and hoist myself back on a horse again. I'm scared, nervous. And there's no one there to baby me, you know? Tell me step by step, that I can do it. I don't know." I stared at him, hoping, praying he'd understand, so I wouldn't have to re-quote my story. I tenderly fixed his sweater, pulling it up closer to his neck, then removed my hands. "I'm sensitive, and sometimes I wish I could just ride again. Grab the reins, feel the wind in my hair, or something." I frowned.

"Yeah, but you know it's hard. I know that you know." I offered. I shrugged, and mumbled a few words. "I want to, but it's too hard. And to face the people that I know I've hurt? And I sold my stud a long time ago, and to buy a horse that's at my level would just cost too much." I said simply. And that was all I had to say. I could feel his stare, waiting for me to say something more, but I couldn't. No more to say on the subject. "I'm sorry about your car crash," I said, biting my lip again, hoping it wouldn't bleed. I rested my hand on his knee, showing my affection in a small way. It was a start. Perhaps of something new, but it didn't matter, not yet, I thought.

"Now we sit around and soak up each other's awesome, or we go find camp. It's up to you." I smiled, and rolled my eyes. "But, no seriously, I'm pretty sure we should go find camp, considering, I'm starving, cold, and I think it's going to rain." I frowned, and looked up at the sky. Sure enough, it was darkening, and it certainly wasn't time to. I sighed, and ground my teeth. This meant no shelter, and maybe even no food. I stood, wiped off my jeans, and held my hand out to help him up. "The least we can do is be civil, if anything, right?" I giggled.

I raised an eyebrow at him, as he completely admitted to not knowing the way. I smirked, and nodded. "Yeah, that's how I remember it..." I giggled, and rolled my eyes. I started walking, and glanced over my shoulder to make sure he still followed. Sure enough he did, so I swung my hands at my sides, and smiled happily. I made a few turns, a few stops, and then I frowned. I wasn't exactly sure... but maybe I'd find camp. I'd have to, or else we'd die. I also remembered that I'd only brought 2 sets of clothes, other than this one. I wanted to rip my own hair out. How could I be so stupid? Soon these clothes would grow too dirty, they were already on that fast track. But, as I marched , stomping down brushes, I saw camp up a head, and grinned from ear to ear. "I told you I could get us there."

As the sky darkened even faster, I knew it was going to start raining, NOW. I wanted to scream, so I just groaned, and got into my sleeping bag. I stared up at the sky as the rain drops started falling. All I could think about was how their precious fire must have burned out because of the rain. I smiled to myself, and sighed. The stars weren't even out yet, I had no idea what time it was. At least I was warm. I snuggled my hands into my pockets, inside my sleeping back and hummed a tune on my own. Around me, I could hear small animals scurrying, trying to get back to their trees and holes, and I closed my eyes for a few seconds, tired. Tired of living, of being. Whatever, I told myself.

I didn't say anything. I just stared at the rainy sky, and winced every time one hit my face. It didn't feel right to say anything. I just let the silence hit both of us. I looked over at him, and twisted a piece of hair around my index finger. For the first time in my life, I found peace in the quiet. My heart was silent, the pounding not so loud. The rain thumped silently against my sleeping back, and Jeremy, as far as I knew was sitting quietly beside me. Casually, I played with more strands of hair, then glanced over at him again. "I don't know what to say." I said honestly. "I'm frustrated. It's not right. Nobody cares for anybody here, it's like a big selfish island. It's worse than home."